Can I get a side of ranch?

This blog is being written for my father, who, after listening to my frustrations with serving 2 restaurant jobs per day, said "You should write a blog about this."

I'm not intending for this to be an essay of complaints. Instead it will just be insights from a server's perspective. A list of consistencies in customers... hilarious consistencies. For example;

--Pretty much no matter what restaurant you go to, ordering hot tea is a huge pain in the butt.

--It's not my fault they put the calorie values on the menu. Don't blame me, I'm here to give you food, not convince you to order broccoli instead of onion rings. I'm not judging you.

--Upon introducing myself, I acknowledge that I will soon be bringing out some water for you to drink. When I return to the table with said water, please don't act surprise that I didn't know you can't have ice. Most restaurant water comes with ice. And forgive me for not knowing by just looking at you that you have sensitive teeth.  

--Also upon introducing myself.. SURPRISE! I'm a real life human being. Not a robot. I won't bother you with details of my life, but I actually don't live and sleep in the restaurant, and without me you won't be eating. So maybe just maybe try looking me in the eye, or even letting me finish my sentence when I walk up before you interrupt with your order. [Side note: I hope they do make server robots.]

--When I ask, "Should I give you more time to look over the menu?" You are allowed to say yes! It's a genuine question. Please take your time! I just don't want you to be ready, and then walk away without asking. Despite what you may think, trust me that I have about a hundred other tasks I could be doing rather than watching you decide on one of the 30 things on the menu. Them: "Ummmmmmmm, hmmm... yeah, well I had chicken last night so.... Hmmmmmmmmm." Me: "It's really no problem, it's a large menu, I'll check right back!" Them: "No, no, no, I'm ready...... Just... Okay let's see.....Ummmmm." [Plus they get to choose 2 sides. Out of 16. We're going to be here a while.]

--I dare you to ask me for everything you need on my first trip back to your table. My current record is 8 restaurant laps back to one table (which of course when you're busy is equivalent to approximately 16 miles). "Oh thanks for the butter, and actually can we get some more bread too?" "Oh thanks for the bread and you know what, can we get some extra napkins?" "Oh great thanks for the napkins actually we're gunna need a couple more little plates so we can make our own sampler platters." ..... I swore I asked you if there's anything else I can get for you after the first lap...

--Please don't try to get my attention by waving your hands in the air while I am talking to another table (I feel like this is common sense and I don't really need to elaborate. But trust me, it happens)

--The little credit card pocket at the top of the check booklet is for a credit card. Please use it. Despite being able to do 20 things at one time, I am not Superman, and cannot see through the booklet that is now harboring your plastic. When you leave it in the same exact spot that I set it down, and don't utilize the credit card holder, it puts me in this awkward spot. First I have to guess if you've paid or not, then assume you have, and say "Let me go get your change for you." You scoff and say, "It's a card." Ah yes, my Spidey senses just kicked in and I did know that..... But thanks anyway for making me feel like I'm the idiot.


20 is the new 15... Spread the word. (Also I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the wonderful, normal tables, who know how to eat out. You make me enjoy the business. Sorry you were less acknowledged than the customers who don't.)